Sunday, June 10, 2012

Anxiousness arising.

Four nights and I'm leaving. For the last week or so I've been shit scared something terrible will happen and I will never get there. Or he is not there. Or something. It's horrible feeling, when it creeps in my mind, I cannot really do or think anything else. And the stupidest thing is that the fear will not prevent bad things to happen, it only makes me feel sick to my stomach and ruins my last days here. I guess I have to trust that this will happen, I will get there and he will be there waiting.

I'm having hard time to concentrate on anything: watching tv, reading book, writing this, listening music, running, chatting with friends. Cannot really stay put, but cannot really do anything either. I just want to go. 

I've also been seeing this same dream four times this week. It's the day I'm suppose to go, but I'm still in my own flat here in Finland and all my furnitures and all the other stuff is still there. And I have one hour left before the flight and I realize there's nothing I can do to pack everything and still catch the flight. Then I wake up here, in my parents' home, having only the belongings I'm going to take with me around me. Always such a relief. But to make sure I will not sleep too long and miss the flight, I think I will stay up all night. :D

Apparently I'm slightly nervous.

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